Being an Enneagram Two

I spent much of my weekend reading about being a Two on the Enneagram in The Road Back to You: An Enneagram Journey to Self-Discovery (2016) by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile and The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to to Psychological and and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types (1999) by Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson.

Here are some of the things I learned:

The good:

Healthy Twos warm others in the glow of their hearts. (Riso and Hudson 126)

Healthy Twos are the embodiment of the good parent that everyone wishes they had: Someone who sees them as they are, understands them with immense compassion, helps and encourages with infinite patience, and is always willing to lend a hand—while knowing precisely how and when to let go. Healthy Twos open our hearts because theirs are already so open. (Riso and Hudson 127)

They can own their feelings and needs and are free to love others without expectations (Riso and Hudson 133)

Twos normally present an image of selfless kindness, but the move to Eight reveals that they are remarkably tough underneath—others discover that beneath the velvet glove is an iron fist. (Riso and Hudson 143)

Healthy Twos also foster independence in others, nurturing self-confidence, strength, and new skills so that people can grow on their own. (Riso and Hudson 146)

Having discovered that it is a privilege to be in the lives of others, they realize a genuine humility and do not need to call attention to themselves or their good works (Riso and Hudson 148)

When two people are truly present to each other, love naturally arises . . . The love that we experience under these conditions is real and deep and quiet. It does not draw attention to itself. It is not demanding, nor does it keep accounts. It lasts because it does not depend on the changing conditions of personality. It is full of joy because nothing can disappoint or frustrate it. Real love in action is unstoppable (Riso and Hudson 148)

Twos help all of us to see that love does not belong to anyone, and certainly does not belong to the personality. We could say that our job in life is not to “do good” or to “give” love to anyone, but to be open to the action of love (Riso and Hudson 149) [This is my spirituality!]

This love is balanced, pure, and nourishing—it allows the soul to relax on a profound level (Riso and Hudson 149)

Twos accept you just as you are; they aren’t judgmental, and they create a space both physically and emotionally in which people can speak from their hearts and experience (Cron and Stabile 117)

The areas for growth:

• [our] shadow side—pride, self-deception, the tendency to become over-involved in the lives of others, and the tendency to manipulate others to get their own emotional needs met.
(Riso and Hudson 126)
• In the average-to-unhealthy Levels, Twos present a false image of being completely generous and unselfish and of not wanting any kind of payoff for themselves, when in fact they can have enormous expectations and unacknowledged emotional needs. (Riso and Hudson 127)
• On a deep psychological level, Twos are trying to fix in others the hurts they are unable to fully acknowledge in themselves. (Riso and Hudson 128-129)
• Denials of their problems alternate with complaints. Either “ I don’t need help” or “Nobody notices my needs.” (Riso and Hudson 131)
• They attempt to impress people by dispensing advice—be it spiritual, financial, or medical—but also by name-dropping. The latter often gets them into trouble, because their desire to let others know that they are friends with important people often leads them to be indiscreet and to reveal confidences. (Riso and Hudson 131)
• In a similar vein, they may become classic enablers, covering up the misdeeds or dysfunction of their valued others in order to keep them around and in their debt (Riso and Hudson 131-132)
• Twos try to cultivate friendships and win people over by pleasing, flattering, and supporting them (Riso and Hudson 133)
• THE WAKE-UP CALL FOR TYPE TWO: “PEOPLE-PLEASING” . . . People-pleasing can take many forms, from a forced friendliness, to being overly solicitous of others’ welfare, to being too generous, to flattering others shamelessly. (Riso and Hudson 134)
• Twos feel that if they have some kind of spiritual power or gift (reading auras, or giving others the Sacraments, for instance), then others will always want them. (Riso and Hudson 135) [Sometimes I use writing in this way]
• Pride often expresses itself in forms of flattery . Twos in the sway of pride feel compelled to offer compliments to others, but with the unconscious desire that such positive attention will be returned to them. They hope that others will see how generous and loving they are being and acknowledge them in a similar way (Riso and Hudson 136)
• Pride lingers in the shadows of Twos’ hearts. It reveals itself in the way they focus all their attention and energy on meeting the needs of others while at the same time giving the impression they have no needs of their own (Cron and Stabile 15) 
• As a result of pride, Twos minister to everyone else’s hurts but neglect their own. (“I don’t need anything. I’m fine! I’m here to take care of you .”) Pride betrays itself in the defensiveness that arises when someone has the audacity to suggest that Twos do indeed have needs and hurts (Riso and Hudson 136)
• As Twos feel less lovable, they focus more on specific things that signify to them that they are loved (Riso and Hudson 136)
• In effect, Twos unconsciously judge the responses of others, and only a few select actions get through their superego filter (Riso and Hudson 137)
• To the degree that we are locked into needing terms of endearment, we can miss a lot of the love that is offered to us . . . the Two’s terms of endearment are largely shaped by what they experienced as love during childhood (Riso and Hudson 137)
• Twos may actually persuade themselves that they do not have any needs of their own and that they exist only to be of service to others (Riso and Hudson 139)
• False humility is as much an expression of pride as trumpeting your own good works. (Riso and Hudson 145)
• Healthy Twos have enough self-esteem and self-nurturance not to take the reactions of others as a referendum on their own value. (Riso and Hudson 146)
• We force ourselves to smile when we are sad, to be generous when we feel empty, and to take care of others when we need to be cared for (Riso and Hudson 147)
• Twos find it hard to put a cap on the time and energy they’ll devote to taking care of you. (Cron and Stabile 116) 
• “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” (Cron and Stabile 126) . . . hell hath no fury like an overworked Two who is feeling unappreciated. (Cron and Stabile 127)

Next steps:

• Whenever you find yourself needing to do something for someone, stop your activities, quiet yourself, and from your heart, ask what you need at this time. (Riso and Hudson 140)
• Give yourself the kind of care you would insist on for someone you love. (Riso and Hudson 143)
• Only real humility and the knowledge that you are loved—in fact, that in your Essential self, you are an expression of love—will dissolve pride. (Riso and Hudson 145)
• All we can do, paradoxically, is to recognize the presence of love in ourselves and others. (Riso and Hudson 148)
• Our desperate search for attention ends when we recognize that we not only have love and value, at the level of our souls, we are love and value (Riso and Hudson 149)
• They have to ask themselves, Is this mine to do? (Cron and Stabile 119) . . . give exactly what’s yours to give—nothing more and nothing less. (Cron and Stabile 126) [Quakers say,  "'Live up to the light thou hast"] 
• Sometimes all the doing and caretaking is not what God is calling you to do . . . Maybe God simply wants Twos—and all of us—to relax in his presence . . . In their time with God they might ask themselves, Who am I when no one needs me? (Cron and Stabile 127)
• If Twos are going to learn how to attend to their own needs as much as they pay attention to the needs of other people, they have to work on their soul in solitude. (Cron and Stabile 127) 
• Don’t reflexively say yes to everything. When someone asks for your help, say you’ll get back to them with an answer once you’ve had time to think about it. Or just experiment with saying the word no. It’s a complete sentence. When the urge to rescue or help overwhelms you, ask yourself, Is this mine to do? If you’re not sure, talk it over with a trusted friend. (Cron and Stabile 128)
• Remind yourself you’re neither the best nor the worst. Just you. (Cron and Stabile 128)
• Don’t push away feelings of resentment or entitlement when they arise. Instead, view them as invitations to look inwardly with kindness and ask, What most needs attention in my life right now? (Cron and Stabile 128)
•  Don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself moving too aggressively toward others or overwhelming them with your emotions. Congratulate yourself for spotting it, and dial it back. (Cron and Stabile 128)
• Two or three times a day, ask yourself, What am I feeling right now? and What do I need right now? Don’t worry if you can’t supply an answer. It takes time to develop self-care muscles.
   (Cron and Stabile 128)

I also enjoyed this analysis, especially the song "Two," by Sleeping at Last.